Perpetual Renovation

A lot has happened since my last post in 2006. Let's see...oh yes, I've been in a state of perpetual renovations for the past 3+ years.

My time has been consumed by 678 one way trips to Home Depot = 1356 round trips. And that would cover 3 provinces and 6 cities. Comparatively, 400 less trips to Kent / Rona and 200 less trips to Canadian Tire and all the 'maybe they have that at this store' trips...that would include another 100 trips to needles in haystacks. I have briefly surfaced to talk about my Perpetual Renovations.

Renovations come in two forms (1) Residential and (2) Commercial. My answer is yes to both.

There are two words synonymous with Renovation: Home Depot. It is only through the 1356 round trips to Home Depot that I have learned to appreciate and understand life's love hate relationships on a deeper level. Also known as necessary evils.

Most days Home Depot is as much my friend as they are my nemesis. I love the end results of the visits and purchases (all 678) but hate everything in between each visit: The projects. Like that old boyfriend you can't really dump, I keep going back to Home Depot.

I can only imagine that it is like having children. You have the first one, it can be painful depending on the size of the project...but a few months later you forget about the pain and work on another project. The diminished pain syndrome. I have since been back for baby #2 or in my case, renovation #2, #3, #100 and #2000.

Renovations come with some felt frustrations, which are self-inflicted 90% of the time...here are some examples:

• forgetting the old part, piece or thing at home
  
• failing miserably to describe to the Home Depot expert the new part, piece or thing I need because translating plumbing, electrical or building supplies was a novice endeavor for me....in the beginning.
  
• because the person who sent me to Home Depot to pick up the part, piece or thing thought they needed only two but they really needed three....hence return trips for the same part, piece or thing.
  
• I've learned real quick about men and hardware stores...they love to make 20 trips to get 15 things. Their line is that 'we can get that later'. I now error on the side of caution and if I'm asked to pick up 12 pieces of strapping I get 15. If I'm asked to get 1000 drywall screws, I get 1500. I have learned that men are at one extreme or the other for buying supplies.

There is an exhilarating feeling that comes from within when the Home Depot expert nods with a smile and leads me to just the right isle and shelf - he has translated my whatchamacallits to something tangible. It makes me want to do a happy dance.

The great thing about Home Depot is that people get to know you and your projects....in particular I love the speciality departments, the sales desk and oh yes, the return desk. They just believe me when I don't have a receipt. Plus their new system for swiping a credit card or debit card and recalling your transactions to find the returning item is fantastic.

I would have to say that the paint department has been my favourite....we all know each other by first name.
I bring cookies, they call with paint oops's that I can purchase at 1/2 price and they go the extra mile each and every time.



Here is my renovation project list since 2006

1. bought an old house in Edmonton and totally renovated master bedroom, spare room, living room, dining room and kitchen. Replaced 90% of windows, several doors and built a large deck (thanks Gord for the deck) - sold it and moved east.
2. bought a condo with a friend and only did minor reno's - sold it and moved east
3. bought a house in Fredericton...gutted the kitchen, bathroom and then the basement flooded one month after purchase....did electrical, painting, chimney, hired someone to get rid of the racoons in the garage attic...that house was painful and projects were endless.
   
4. bought a heritage building in Saint John with my friend Gord....This is why there is beer, wine, gin, tequila and good friends. It has been non stop. The end result is that it is beautiful.
   

Ironically after each and every renovation, I say that it is the last. But walking into a place and seeing the potential it has and seeing it through to a successful end is what makes it all worth while.

I can't sing, dance or act...I guess this is my art: renovations.

Weddings n' stuff

I participated in a wedding rehersal this summer at an Orthodox Reformed Church.

The Maid of Honour and myself (AKA Bridesmaid) were sitting in the first pew listing to the preacher give haphazard directions to the bride and groom for walking down the isle and getting married the next day.

In order to break up the seriousness of things, I looked over at the Maid of Honour and said with all sincerety doesn't the priest have a nice ass? She looked at me with a grin and called me a pig. I laughed and asked, tell me you didn't notice? She replied yes. We giggled sinfully and with tears coming down our cheeks. Call it a moment. The Preacher is a cross between Dick Van Dyke and Foghorn: Heighth and charisma on the surface.

The photographer was observing our teary-eyed giggling and with intense curiosity asked what we were laughing about. The photographer is a good friend of the bride, bridesmaid and only an acquantance of mine - a great gal. So, I asked her the question...Do you think the preacher has a nice ass? Hell yes, she concurred. Well, then you need to take pictures capturing 'the moment'I suggested.

Albeit the pictures are pending, I can only say that via my informal survey, the woman agreed that the preacher had a nice ass. Another thing pending was the fact that on the wedding day and through the eyes of a nonparticipant of organized religion (me), the preacher, instead of having a nice ass, made an ass of himself.

The preacher ass-essed things poorly by using the wedding to soapbox his policical views about women, marriage and a womens role in the marriage a litte to the extreme.

No, I'm not a bra burning feminist. Just don't like political gain or hidden agendas to a group of wedding guests. Save it for the Sunday Sermon, for the 'members' who want to belive.

I should have guessed: Who can trust an organization with the name "Orthodox Reformed"? Isn't that an oxymoron?

I'll Super Size that!

The scuttlebutt on the street on the topic of trends as they relate to sex, men and penis size is all about a chart. A chart that determines / predetermines the size of a man's penis.





Apparently, it is no longer necessary to waste time assessing things the ole way. Things like; tongue size, the distance between their thumb and forefinger or their height? And forget about asking what type of work they do, the car they drive, where they live or who they know. All of those things are the value added features to the benefits of knowing their shoe size.

Let's face it, it is easier to look down at a man's shoe size rather than go up to him and stick your tongue down his throat. And well well lucky me. I worked at a shoe store during high school and am able to quickly asses a man's shoe size...sold a lot of 10's to 10.5's.

India on the other hand...A survey of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men.
A billion people can't be wrong?


...in the same vain

The man had used a high-pressure pneumatic grease gun to inject his penis

Death by small print

I have been on a trend lately of blending the worlds of holistic and traditional medicines. And it both cases...each host similar obstacles.

In my early aging years I have been developing a long list of pet peeves as they relate to ME and growing older. And on my list, two of my biggest pet peeves include not being able to read labels and the other is simply not being able to open bottles of many sizes, shapes and product types.

I ask...could the print be any smaller? Could the caps and lids be anymore child proof? Try reading the labels on bottles as the manufacturers squeeze all that critical information that would typically (in the world of normal font) fit onto an 8.5 x ll page sheet and is magically reduced to a 1/32" X 1/32" label. I really did not know that font came that small.

For me in a recent event, it was not a matter of being able to open the bottle but rather being able to read it. Being my usual multitasking self (Gemini characteristic) and one step ahead of my brain when I stopped into the bathroom on my way to my next task, while thinking about my last task, when I grabbed a bottle of what I thought was one of four remedies recommended by my holistic doctor.

In about a heartbeat of taking the 'take 3 times daily' bottle I realized that the taste in my mouth was very familiar and yet it felt very wrong. Thank goodness for following verbal directions, which were to let the liquid sit under the tongue for one minute prior to swallowing.

Given my red flag, I backed tracked and picked up the bottle and brought it under a light and squinted to read the label which said Tea Tree Oil. Definitely a topical remedy and not to be digested and not what my doctor prescribed. I made a mistake because the current collection of bottles on my counter all looked the same.

Needless to say I spat it out, washed my mouth out a couple of times, brushed my teeth three times and gurgled warm water...Don't know what the fear was, I have had worse things in my mouth...(Did I say that out loud?)and Tea Tree Oil is good for you...externally.

Ultimately I have come to the conclusion that small print will be a contributing factor to my death. And if it is not death by small print it will be death by not being able to open bottles and feeding myself.



Similar incidents and still non life threatening...for now.
- putting cream rinse on my face instead of moisturizing cream
- spraying deodorant in my hair instead of hair spray and vice versa
- brushing my teeth with tubes of creams/lubricants with similar shapes or sizes
- wiping myself with an alcohol pad instead of a feminine hygiene pad

This list of bathroom mishaps could be both endless and embarrassing. I remain.

Happy in New Brunswick

Feeling blue? Try moving to New Brunswick, where people rate themselves among the most blissful in the country according to a new survey.

And in the local paper, on or about November 30, 2006, it was written...if women were a province they would be New Brunswick (and men would be British Columbia)...

Only as strong as your weakest link

Ever hear the expression 'you're only as strong as your weakest link'? Since being out of the corporate world for a couple of years, I forgot about that particular expression until a month ago.

A month ago, my friend Bill made a very big decision to have Gonzo his 19+ year old cat put down. (that's the first time I got that friggen cat's name right after 8 years of knowing them both).

Bill asked me to drive him and Gonzo to the vet the following week. Pushing aside my guilt of years of telling him to put his cat down, I agreed.

Next week came faster than usual and I was trying to be very cognisant of Bill's feelings, especially knowing that Bill is a perpetual worry wart, planner and at times OCD...:) This had to be a flawless trip to the vet so I avoided being my usual joking-around self and kept things low keyed.

The appointment at the vet was for 4:30 p.m. and I had to drive from the north side of Edmonton to the South to pick them up and back to the north side during peak traffic time. On the way to the vet I started to get a bit worried about being late and having Bill's week long plan fall apart. It would only add to his stress. It was bad enough that the cat hater was taking him to the vet but being late...oh no no no no no - avoid being late at all costs.

Well 'at all costs' reared it's tiny little head. In my attempt to be on time, I decided to whip down the back streets of Edmonton north. In the distance we both saw a few pigeons on the road. I slowed down a bit but had no intention of stopping for pigeons because we were on the fringe of being late. Shit, every other bird I have ever come across dining in the middle of the road has scattered when a 2000lb vehicle headed its way.

In all my infinite wisdom and assumptions, I thought that the pigeons would move. I drove through the flock and what followed was an OH MY GOD moment as I heard a low pitched thump. The thump came from the front right fender. I immediately looked in my rear view mirror and saw feathers ever so gently falling to the ground. Oh my god I said again and started to chuckle.

I looked over at Bill and all that would come out of my mouth was don't tell the vet. We both started to laugh. The whole spirit and intent of my day was to make Bill's day a seamless and flawless one and not to throw a kink into his 'planned day'.

I rationalized the bird slaying to Bill (and myself) by saying that I had inadvertently made that flock of pigeons a much more smart and strong flock, simply by eliminating their weakest link.

Applying Maslow's Theory, I had self-actualized the flock of pigeons.

Life's a card

Life's a card and retailers literally have 'our number' as a result of it.

How many retailers do you shop at on a regular basis who don't ask you... "do you have your Club Card today? (Also passionately knows as: Preferred customer card, member's card, discount card, value card or Points card, incentive card). Not many is the answer.


Why you ask? There are the obvious reasons and likely equally as many reasons that I'm not aware of. The primary one that I know of is Data Tracking. 'They' the retailers marketing department want to know:

This is off the top of my head...feel free to add your thoughts.

1. Are you Male or Female

2. Your Age (range)

3. Disposable income

4. Postal code (determine how far you travel to their store...perhaps they need to open another location)

5. Frequency to which you shop

6. Your $pend

7. The items you purchase (they can tell what you eat, how often you eat it and what you are willing to pay for it - maybe you like generic brand or call brband,saving money or don't mind spending a bit more for quality and brand name)

8. So they can increase inventory on particular items or add complimentary items (cross sell / upsell)

9. They may sell their Lists. If you have signed on the dotted line, then you have agreed to their T's & C's. Privacy Act - may be a factor. Selling lists generates revenue for them. You know the telemarketers who call you during dinner or call you on your cell and rack up your minutes.

10. Allows retailer to target market current clients, potentially new clients and promote products

11. Determine a new service - perhaps their own credit card. You may always use M/C when you shop and they want to introduce a new Visa with even more points to earn simply by using it

12. Maybe you haven't visited the retailer lately so they send you some 'incentive propaganda' to incent you to come back and spend with them. Think of Air Miles

13. Cross promotion - Again think of Safeway and Air Miles

Excluding my list above... Why the hell can I not be given the same discounted price as the person who has the 'club card'if I don't happen to have one or have one with me? Isn't the fact that I left my house, got into my car and made your store my destination spot reason enough to reward me?

Why do they make it so difficult to get a discount? How much demographic info do they need? Can I not just give you my phone number and let your $100K POS do the rest? Why do I have to overstuff my wallet with a battery of cards?

Shit this is no different that two-tier health care (ok it is different, but same vein).

Oh, don't forget about the retailers who try to get you in their doors for 10% off products or services. Just to let ALL you retaiers out there know (for me personally) a 10%-15% incentive or eating the GST, PST, whatever... doesn't do a damn thing for me. The little discount does not motivate me to rush out of my house, put your event on my calendar or share the information with a friend.

My first thought is, sorry to see that you wasted all that money advertising for something as measly as 10% off your products or services. You devalue it more than anything. I am confident that I can walk in off the street any given day and get the same discount as you were offering last week or one month ago. Do you want my business? I can spend my hard earned money anywhere. Make a difference, seperate yourself from your competitiors for me.

Life's a card and here are some of mine...

Save-On Foods - usually use this one - they need a back-up plan when you don't have your card with you.

Safeway - at times

M & M Meats - good concept. Don't shop there so much

Blockbuster - cancelled because I owed $55 in late fees...not my fault and they did not want to extend their new late fee policy

Costco - great if you are feeding a small village

Irewards - total value if you use it frequently

Airmiles (blue card) - Easy to get and hard to use for flights. Oh no, it's not their fault you can't book a direct flight or have only two stops to travel 600 miles, it's the airlines because they limit them. Should have thought of the impact to your members when you set up your program. AND it only cost you $300 for those two free movie passes. Think about it. They are difficult to book and cancel even when you have cancellation insurance

Suzy Shier - one-time thing...the incentive / discount made sense

Hertz - came with Diners Club (now m/c) promo

Bay Rewards - got 25% off something - good deal at the time

Priority Pass - Via Enroute (last month I was @ TO International Airport and called the 1-800 to find out where their Members Lounge was. It was in Term 1&3 and I was in 2. Figures.

Aeroplan - was easy to get and hard to use as well. This is changeing (so I hear from the companies news release)

Bali's Hote, Vegas - given to me


There are also Shoppers Optimum, Esso Extra, etc, etc.

As much as membership has it's privelages, I hate necessary evils.

My stalker

I just moved into an 'up and coming' neighbourhood and I knew the obstacles when I purchased...

It all started with a light stalking and quickly moved into stalking morning, noon and night. I could hear the footsteps and light noises outside my windows and doors. There had been no confrontation by the stalker; therefore, no reason to involve the authorities

But, there comes a time when you need to take things into your own hands in order to mitigate or eliminate the frustration. And that day had come!

Early one saturday morning, I got up and waited until I heard the noise again. This time it was coming from the front door. I stood at the door for a few moments, took a deep breath, plotted my confrontation and immediately took the leap!

I pulled open the door and there stood my six inch tall, four legged, and slightly greying stalker; a feline. As it looked up at me, it threw me a soft meow and slowly walked right past me into the house like I was expecting it's visit for weeks.

All my notions of yelling at it, shhhh-shing it and scaring it to a point of no return, ended quickly as we sat and had lunch together. It was primarily small talk...a getting to know you phase.

Weeks passed without knowing my stalkers name. So intuitively it was named by a friend, because of it's colour; Tiger. Come to find out, Tiger lives just next door and is a perpetual runaway. It's real name is Betty (AKA Tiger). It's all too ironic, given that my nickname for half my life was Betty. I am a Gemini...go figure, my twin is a four legged well groomed tenacious feline, who lives just next door.

Today, the meeting of felines continues with an understanding of limited visiting rights, ideally, less stalking and no friends allowed.

Motorbiking...

I went out for a motorbike ride today with friends Neil and Bill. Other than being a bit windy it was a great day for a ride. Bill has a Kawaski 800 Vulcan and Neil is 3 sleeps from taking a riding course, then off for his bike licence; hence Neil being a passenger with Bill.

After meeting for breakfast we headed north (ne & nw) along the fringe of the city. Two gas stops later, one suntan lotion stop, one beer stop and a mid afternoon snack stop, seven hours had passed and the weather was cooling down. Oh yes, Bill decided not to get gas and ran out.

A reserve tank is a wonderful thing. It has saved my ass several times and mostly on the highway. Nothing like the thrill of passing an 18-wheeler on the highway, on a windy day and running out of gas just as your looking up to wave at the driver.

Heading south this time, Gord and I took a ride to Kalispel, Montana in early July. Gord had never been through Glacier National Park so we ventured the Road To The Sun. I think the peak mountain drop IF you were to go over the barely guarded cliff would have you plummet 10,000 feet, to what might be considered your death.

On a more plausible tone, while riding up and down both sides you can literally reach out and touch the ice cold water falling off the mountains. It was somewhere in the vicinity of 100 degrees and yet you are looking at blankets of snow on the mountains beside you. The view and the smell in the air is literally breathtaking. If you are the motorbike enthusiast, it is a must see.

Going futher south last year, there were several of us who rode through a great history lesson: Our roadtrip to Sturgis, South Dakota. It was simiply incredible the number of people we met on a 4,000+ km trip. We ventured on the back highways to avoid the main highway obstacles, to take advantage of frequent stops and ride at lower speeds in order to take it all in.

We ended up leaving one of our (younger) friends in Sturgis because we were old and boring. Not to mention the fact that she shares my opinion on camping. My translation is Motel. Well, apparently not with the friends I now bike with. Shit, I've moved them from pulling over and sleeping in fields to at least staying in a campsite where a shower is possible at the end of the day.

Our friend made it home safely. It was odd for Gord to explain to Customs why he had three pairs of stilouettes in his saddle bags and no women on the back.

Two years previous to that, there were three of us who headed to Sturgis. This was my first trip to Sturgis. Going through Big Sky Country (AKA Montanna) was a pinch me moment. The skies are so incredibly open and the temperatures south of the border are a bikers dream.

Crossing the US border is good for two things...buying beer at the gas station and going without a helmet. Hmmmm, nothing better than having the wind blowing through your hair. We only stop every 1.5 hours for a frosty cold 3% alcohol beer...you know US beer.

I had two moments...
First one was when I looked down at something on my leg and my $18 sunglasses flew off my face. I liked my $18 sunglasses so much that I decided to to a u-turn on the highway without being able to see over the hill I was on. Call me stupid. Seriously, call me stupid. It gets better...I was also carrying one of my riding partners packs because his bike was falling apart (Harley). I had stuff packed on my handle bars and behind me.

My load on the back was shifting earlier that day and I stopped a couple of times to adjust. When I did my 5km/hr u-turn, the load on the back shifted and my normal centre of gravity was no more. The bike went down right in the middle on the yellow line. My heart started to race, I looked up and saw that I could really see nothing because I was on a hill and simply walked away from the bike.

In seconds, my friends were there and one of them picked up my bike and brought it to the side of the road. There was a fellow who had came over the hill on his bike just as I was dropping mine and he returned...with hi Auzzie accent pulled up to us on the side of the road and said 'shiny side up eh'. We all laughed and off we all went.

My second little incident was at Mount Rushmore. We were sitting at a T-intersection waiting for an opportunity to turn out left onto the highway. After waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting, I guess that I started to focus on clearing one direction only of the oncoming traffic.

I saw an opening and drove out...my friends followed. I immediately pulled over and went all weak from an adrelin rush. The problem being is that I did not look both ways prior to pulling out, I only looked one way and pulled out. The thought of what could have happend (being killed by a car coming from the direction I was not looking into) was overwhelming.

I shared the 'holy fuck what did I just do' with my riding partners. One of them who is a 25+ year vetern rider said that he was watching me and realized that I was not looking both ways. He said that he would have yelled at me or cut me off. I don't like to think about the whatifs but I often rewind that moment in my brain when I am out riding and try to turn all these (mis)fortunes into strong lessons.

I learned many lessons on that trip and fortunately lived to tell the stories. The good news is that we are heading out this week on another seven day biking adventure. Not sure where we are headed but what I do know is this...

LIKE MOST GREAT THINGS IN LIFE, IT IS NEVER ABOUT THE DESTINATION, IT'S ALL ABOUT THE JOURNEY.

A mother's wisdom...

My mother use to say to me, "if you are able to count all your true friendships on one hand when you get older, then you should consider yourself lucky". I kind of understood what she meant BUT I was a teenager at the time and one with larger than average breasts and a big white smile. I was popular and had the friendships by virtue of boobs and a smile,,, whether I wanted to be or not.

Well, those words from mother are ringing somewhat true these days. I still have a lot of friends, but my true friendships list is small and not more than a handful. Some days I'm great at nuturng those true friendships and other days I suck. I continue to learn and grow and become a better friend, as I get older.

In closing, another aging 'ah ha' moment from mother was... "the older you get, the faster time flies by". I used to think, what does she know, she's old. Ironically, she's only 17 years older than me. Shit, I have shoes older than that, dated men older (& younger) than that and kept clothes longer than that thinking that I would someday fit back into them.

Turns out, she was right on both counts.

Living and learning is a great way to grow, but to have the insight as a young person to listen and apply the wisdom of others is brilliant.