Weddings n' stuff

I participated in a wedding rehersal this summer at an Orthodox Reformed Church.

The Maid of Honour and myself (AKA Bridesmaid) were sitting in the first pew listing to the preacher give haphazard directions to the bride and groom for walking down the isle and getting married the next day.

In order to break up the seriousness of things, I looked over at the Maid of Honour and said with all sincerety doesn't the priest have a nice ass? She looked at me with a grin and called me a pig. I laughed and asked, tell me you didn't notice? She replied yes. We giggled sinfully and with tears coming down our cheeks. Call it a moment. The Preacher is a cross between Dick Van Dyke and Foghorn: Heighth and charisma on the surface.

The photographer was observing our teary-eyed giggling and with intense curiosity asked what we were laughing about. The photographer is a good friend of the bride, bridesmaid and only an acquantance of mine - a great gal. So, I asked her the question...Do you think the preacher has a nice ass? Hell yes, she concurred. Well, then you need to take pictures capturing 'the moment'I suggested.

Albeit the pictures are pending, I can only say that via my informal survey, the woman agreed that the preacher had a nice ass. Another thing pending was the fact that on the wedding day and through the eyes of a nonparticipant of organized religion (me), the preacher, instead of having a nice ass, made an ass of himself.

The preacher ass-essed things poorly by using the wedding to soapbox his policical views about women, marriage and a womens role in the marriage a litte to the extreme.

No, I'm not a bra burning feminist. Just don't like political gain or hidden agendas to a group of wedding guests. Save it for the Sunday Sermon, for the 'members' who want to belive.

I should have guessed: Who can trust an organization with the name "Orthodox Reformed"? Isn't that an oxymoron?

I'll Super Size that!

The scuttlebutt on the street on the topic of trends as they relate to sex, men and penis size is all about a chart. A chart that determines / predetermines the size of a man's penis.





Apparently, it is no longer necessary to waste time assessing things the ole way. Things like; tongue size, the distance between their thumb and forefinger or their height? And forget about asking what type of work they do, the car they drive, where they live or who they know. All of those things are the value added features to the benefits of knowing their shoe size.

Let's face it, it is easier to look down at a man's shoe size rather than go up to him and stick your tongue down his throat. And well well lucky me. I worked at a shoe store during high school and am able to quickly asses a man's shoe size...sold a lot of 10's to 10.5's.

India on the other hand...A survey of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men.
A billion people can't be wrong?


...in the same vain

The man had used a high-pressure pneumatic grease gun to inject his penis

Death by small print

I have been on a trend lately of blending the worlds of holistic and traditional medicines. And it both cases...each host similar obstacles.

In my early aging years I have been developing a long list of pet peeves as they relate to ME and growing older. And on my list, two of my biggest pet peeves include not being able to read labels and the other is simply not being able to open bottles of many sizes, shapes and product types.

I ask...could the print be any smaller? Could the caps and lids be anymore child proof? Try reading the labels on bottles as the manufacturers squeeze all that critical information that would typically (in the world of normal font) fit onto an 8.5 x ll page sheet and is magically reduced to a 1/32" X 1/32" label. I really did not know that font came that small.

For me in a recent event, it was not a matter of being able to open the bottle but rather being able to read it. Being my usual multitasking self (Gemini characteristic) and one step ahead of my brain when I stopped into the bathroom on my way to my next task, while thinking about my last task, when I grabbed a bottle of what I thought was one of four remedies recommended by my holistic doctor.

In about a heartbeat of taking the 'take 3 times daily' bottle I realized that the taste in my mouth was very familiar and yet it felt very wrong. Thank goodness for following verbal directions, which were to let the liquid sit under the tongue for one minute prior to swallowing.

Given my red flag, I backed tracked and picked up the bottle and brought it under a light and squinted to read the label which said Tea Tree Oil. Definitely a topical remedy and not to be digested and not what my doctor prescribed. I made a mistake because the current collection of bottles on my counter all looked the same.

Needless to say I spat it out, washed my mouth out a couple of times, brushed my teeth three times and gurgled warm water...Don't know what the fear was, I have had worse things in my mouth...(Did I say that out loud?)and Tea Tree Oil is good for you...externally.

Ultimately I have come to the conclusion that small print will be a contributing factor to my death. And if it is not death by small print it will be death by not being able to open bottles and feeding myself.



Similar incidents and still non life threatening...for now.
- putting cream rinse on my face instead of moisturizing cream
- spraying deodorant in my hair instead of hair spray and vice versa
- brushing my teeth with tubes of creams/lubricants with similar shapes or sizes
- wiping myself with an alcohol pad instead of a feminine hygiene pad

This list of bathroom mishaps could be both endless and embarrassing. I remain.

Happy in New Brunswick

Feeling blue? Try moving to New Brunswick, where people rate themselves among the most blissful in the country according to a new survey.

And in the local paper, on or about November 30, 2006, it was written...if women were a province they would be New Brunswick (and men would be British Columbia)...